Listen up soldier! We've been at war for over five years now, and times have been tough. However we need to drop our differences, and allow Red and Blu's to join forces as we face a new enemy. Unless we stop this senseless fighting, Gray and his machines are going to take over the world!
Every good war is based on intelligence, so here's all the data we've managed to discover so far, just in time for the Mann vs. Machine update to arrive in Team Fortress 2.
This guy standing front a centre means business. The Steel Gauntlet is modelled on The Heavy class, and he has fists of steel that are ready to dish out some pain. Our reports state that his is very durable, is damage resistant and is good with his hands. Aim for the head snipers!
Even in an age where robots walk and fight on Earth, they are still relying heavily on bows and arrows, which seems rather primative. Intel suggests that the Bowman is deadly accurate and is quick on the draw, so shoot first and ask questions later.
If you want to experience real fear on the battlefield, then simply stand in the path of a charging Demoknight and we challenge you to walk away with clean underpants. Intelligence officials claim that the Demoknight is a sword weilding maniac who can cover large distances very quickly by charging. Make sure you take them out from a distance.
Minor League Scout
Captain Baseball Bat....oh wait, wrong game! The Minor League Scout uses baseballs to temporarily stun his opponents. We're looking forward to see how his older, much more talented brother, The Scout handles him on the battlefield.
Quick Fix Medic
Every team needs a healer, and the Quick Fix Medic is here to help the Gray team. Our intelligence suggests that he can heal his allies fast, but fortunately does not have access to the ÜberCharge.
Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bulldozer. The Heavyweight Champ doesn't need weapons to rough you up, and he will attack in large groups. Do not let yourself be surrounded by a pack of punching psychos, always have an escape plan.
This is just becoming ridiculous! Somehow Gray has managed to develop a medic bot who, and I quote our intelligence office James directly, "Übers like a maniac". Take these guys out at ALL COSTS!
Armed with an advanced sniper rifle that shoots Jarate-coated darts, the Sydney Sniper kills his enemies from afar and humilliates them with yellow liquids. We're still puzzled as to how the Sydney Sniper manages to get Jarate to be honest, but we'll leave that up to Valve.
If weapon-filled robots weren't enough to deal with, our intelligence reveals that each map has a bomb-shaped self-destruct hole inbuilt, and some robots will in fact drop bombs into the hole. Not only will this end badly for you, but each bomb landed will actually upgrade their offences, meaning you will die a whole lot more!
First Stage: Defensive buff, shared with all nearby robots
Second Stage: Health regeneration
Final Stage: Full crits all the time
We've also heard reports that giant robots will occasionally enter the battlefield, intent on destroying your defences. They can be identified by the fact that they are giant, covered in thick, damage absorbing armour, and chances are they will be killing your troops. Because they are so huge they only move at half the speed of normal robots, but their weapons are also much bigger and far more destructive. Our scouts have seen three giant robots in production thus far, but we're betting there are a few hidden ones waiting for a chance to attack.
Rapid Fire Soldier: The machine gun of rocket launches. Don't stand in one place for too long.
Deflector Heavy: Can shoot down projectiles such as rockets and grenades
Super Scout: Unlike other Giant Robots, Super Scout moves lightning fast, so don't let it pick up the bomb!
This crazy invention is essentially a bomb on legs. The Sentry Buster will detect any sentry that is causing significant damage to the robot horde, run at it full pelt and then explode. Thankfully it takes a few moments for the Buster to arm itself, so quick thinking Engineers can pack up their belonging and re-locate.
As the note says, we have no idea what the hell this thing is, but we're sure it will be devastating and cause nothing but pain, destruction and mayhem....we can't wait!
By Stephen Heller